Overwintering

5 min readApr 16, 2022

For among these winters there is one so endlessly winter that only by wintering through it will your heart survive.

(I wrote this little month note many moons ago — when it was still winter — and have not been able to publish it. Now with two jobs and a slightly better state of mind — I decided to go through with it. I apologize for the time-lag)

It is winter now and as we drive down this highway connecting most of Canada, passing stiff peaks of egg white snow — I realize i should start getting more comfortable with this state of being, in this white void.

I only seem to write when I’m feeling good. But the last three months have been uncomfortable. Being at the cabin and away from people made me feel more normal. But in a city surrounded by people and things — none of whom I know, I felt quite incomplete — like I was missing something important to living a normal life.
This feeling was also compounded by the fact that I was job-hunting. I don’t know if this is universal but the most prevalent emotion during this time for me was shame (about not getting a job, about not trying hard enough, about being lazy, about not being good enough). Shame can also be very isolating. It’s hard to talk about it without self pity and none of these emotions urge people to want to be around you. Shame hurts my teeth as I smile hard at everyone to let them know I’m OK. Sometimes my shame makes it hard for me to breathe. In winter — in whiteness, silence, and solitude — I have no option but to face my shame. Watch it as it stimulates the nerves in the pit of my stomach and sometimes watch as it passes and other emotions take its place (usually awe about mushrooms). I wonder, what does winter do for you?

Winter is also time to retrospect and so, here, chronologically, are my favourite things from last year

The morning of 30th of January 2021 — This is hoarfrost. It forms in the morning and is just like dew but when it is freezing outside. It covers all the trees with this white hair like ice. (Hoar comes from the old english Har — Grey, Venerable, Old, the german Herr — Nobel, Superior)

2. Prairie crocuses — These flowers grow on north facing windy slopes. They are first flowers to bloom after winter. You walk on windy slopes looking for these tiny crocuses that signal the beginning of spring.

The Crocus-till she rises
The Vassal of the snow-

(Sidenote — Saffron is a spice derived from the saffron crocus)

3. There were a lot of bird houses around where I stayed last year and this one was my favourite. After a lot of work optimizing for size and shape of the opening, a tree swallow family made their home in it. I got to see them build the nest, lay eggs and feed their young over many months.

4. We put in a garden in the beginning of may (mother’s day weekend is when everyone starts in Saskatchewan) and watched it grow. We planted among other things corn, beets, beans, kale, carrots, squash, soy beans, tomatoes, cucumber. It was quite a treat to watch them grow and partake in them.

5. On the long drive across the country to the cabin. We stopped at Kakabeka Falls near thunder bay for an evening meal and watched a bald eagle with the same idea — swooping into the falls to catch its evening meal.

6. During our time at the cabin, while the canoe was mostly used as transport to and from the dock — a few days we had enough time to canoe into the open waters and to a few islands near by. One day we canoed over to watch the Bluenose II sail by after which we picnic-ed in a calm cove and watched seals.

7. Unemployed in Atlantic Canada, I got plenty of visits in to the library and the archives. I spent hours every day in these places going through microfiche looking for familiar names and places. Below is the image of a the site plan for the Halifax citadel.